I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
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