I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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