yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
