I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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