Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
