Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
