its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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