so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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