Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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