remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
