Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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