I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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