Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize