I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I puked a lego.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
