3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
