i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
