he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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