Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
