I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
