I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
