Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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