I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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