Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
