Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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