I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
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