I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I think your dad took our porno
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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