I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
