bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
