11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
