The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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