So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
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