I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
