So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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