I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
