Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
