i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
