My brain says no but my pants say off.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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