Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
