I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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