god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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