so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Randomize
