I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
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