gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
We are all done wearing pants today
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize