Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
