Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
