I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
