There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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