Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
