Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
