it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
