He uses pillows to masturbate.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
