He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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