This dress was meant to end up on your floor
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
