Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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