Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
