How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
