he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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