I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
